Part 7: Magicant

Part 7: Magicant

Sometime in an alternate universe...


We Press the B Button.


: “What are you doing, throwing that knife away?

That’s the wrong choice. You’re making the wrong choice.”


: “Your legs aren’t lying to you! That knife doesn’t lie to you. Jerry, if you open that door, time and space will collapse. Inside that door is Magicant, HIS Magicant.

If you go in…Inside that door...STOP! DON’T OPEN THAT!

YOU!

Jerry!

Jerry!!!”

So now is the narrator against us? That’s not cool.


: “Screw you too, buddy. I’m gonna see how far this rabbit hole goes, and you’re not going to stop me.”


A flash of light brightens the screen, along with a Phase Distorter-ish sound effect. It’s time to DDR to the next section of the game, folks...

Earthbound OST - Magicant


Welcome to Andonut’s Magicant. Expect to see the place a lot, as it’s going to serve as the main hub from here to the end of the game. It also has the only shop we’ll be seeing regularly through our excursions in the LSD-addled mindscape.

We can’t stop here, this is bat country.


Namely, the building located south-east of our starting position. Welp, that was easy.

My mind is playing tricks on me with this geometric clusterfuck.


Apparently, the life of a bounty hunter isn’t very profitable. Come to think of it, how is he getting all that money in the first place? It’s not like he can access his account from here.

Next on Discovery Channel: The Life of a Bounty Hunter - Stupendous Profit or Deluded Loss?

We landed a man on the moon and you’re questioning how an ATM can work.

An ATM that works in the middle of someone’s mind. Uh huh...Sure...


The shop here has nothing of value at the moment. While we can stock up on Sky Nectars right now, it’s better to get them from the next dungeon.

The last time I bought Magic Taffy from someone, I woke up naked in a K-mart parking lot.

Wonderful. Thanks, I really needed that image in my head. What is with your obsession with manholes and K-mart parking lots...?

Yes.


Anyways, time to explore Dr. Andonut’s mindscape. I’m sure none of us will be sent to a psychiatric ward by the end of the game.


: “How would you like it if I dissected YOU!?
: “A talking flower...It’s Thursday, isn’t it…? Between that crazy psychobabble scientist and this talking flower, I think I’m ready to throw in the towel...”


Andonut’s mindscape turns purple and morose after we talk to the flower. Since dissecting a flower is an incredibly evil act, right?

Flowers are people, too.


Right? Right? _...Right…?

UNACCEPTABLE


: “Here you may stay peacefully forever...However, if you’re looking for an exit, you’re out of luck. Dr. Andonuts hides deep beyond here within the Sea of Eve, afraid of even his own mind.”
: “...Sure, whatever that means. How do I get to him?”
: “Before you approach him, you’ll have to recover his Courage. It’s forgotten in his mind, stowed away by his fear. Once you have his Courage, this blue maze will no longer be a dead end.”
: “It’s a gray maze. Not a blue maze. Gray. I think-”


: “...Fine, Just ignore me. Whatever.”


Imaginary Apple Kid fades into the Twilight Zone, much like Dr. Andonuts did back in his lab. I kinda wonder how they do that, but it’ll prolly be chalked up to some voodoo explanation like ‘a wizard did it’.

Probably got beamed back up into the Enterprise.

Plot Twist: Radiation’s Halloween Hack is secretly Star Trek in disguise.


: “Try not to get a bloody nose adding up numbers! Heheheh”

Jerk.

Hey man, I always get bloody noses trying to solve complex equations. Mostly from bashing my face into the wall over them, but still.


: “Be yourself”
What he said. The building over here is our next destination. However, unlike what Apple Kid implied, there’s actually three dungeons we have to go through before we can wrap up the rest of the game.

But screw that. Let’s explore the rest of the area first.

Oh goody, grinding. Bring on repressed memories of the Pit of 100 Trials from Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door


So...we’re stealing some of Dr. Andonut’s intelligence? His brain matter? His cerebral cortex? Whatever part of his brain that Magicant exists in?


: “Where is the toilet anyways…?”

...The bushes?


: “Another good thing is… broccoli. Maybe.”

Get the hell out of town. Broccoli is the food of eldritch abominations and lawyers. Heck, if you like broccoli, then you’re either one of those, or you’re both of those.

There’s a difference between them?

...Lawyers are human?

Hahah, you’re funny.


: “That’s fate.”
: “Screw fate.”
: “But-”
: “Screw. Fate.”


: “You...you created a monster that could never hug!”

Andonut’s had a messed up childhood. I’m sure he envisioned ripping out Frosty’s arms and roasting them over a fire during an angsting period.

I remember nights at summer camp roasting sticks on a stick.


And so Jerry Toraernos learned the truth about Dr. Andonuts’ secret life as a porn-star. I’m sure this will have no repercussion on our sanity in the future.

This is worse than my manholes.

Or your K-marts?

Hey now.


He Died Doing the Right Thing.

Rest in pepperoni.


: “*squirt* *glorp* The pain of these cuts and sores is unbearable...I shouldn’t have stopped flossing for so long, this is pathetic.”
: "..."

Still better than wisdom teeth removal. Shit’s painful, yo.


: “We’re all trapped reliving the same thoughts, day after day. Please! Save us! I’m...I’m doomed like this forever, doomed to always be opening the yogurt lid.
: “Deal with it. If all the other NPCs in the world can go a day without whining about how crappy their life is, I’m sure you can too.”


There’s a bunch of Flying Men in the house next to the gravestone, but they only talk about how good their tacos are so screw them.

YOU SKIPPED MY FAVORITE MOMENT OF THE ROMHACK, I CAN’T-


Anyways, let’s hop to the next portion of the game. While it’s basically just one glorified slog-fest, the payoffs are totally worth it.

Earthbound OST - Dangerous Caves


You know...I was expecting something a bit more impressive, but I’ll take what I can get.

So here on in, this is blind for me, just so y’all know.


: “When they finish using the toilet, they never wash their hands.”

The horror! What will we ever do?

Curl up into a fetal position and cry.


: “It doesn’t have any words on it. So no, I can’t read.”
: “The picture on the door shows a red person wearing a dress. If you don’t cross-dress, you can’t come in!”

Yeah, I’m sure we needed that image in our heads. Jerry Toraernos: Cross Dresser of Doom, Bounty Hunter of the Worlds -Coming in a Netflix near you!

With Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka.


Adventure Time.

The screen fades to white...


It’s time for dungeon one. And by “dungeon” I mean “really big area filled to the chock with stationary enemies.”


This is...Onett?

No, this is Patrick.


...Ah.

The cropping on the ground next to the house down there is giving me a migraine.


Welcome to Corrupted Onett. It’s actually incredibly straightforward compared to the other dungeons we’ll be visiting in the the future. The only real difficulty lies in not getting a migraine from the irritating color palate.

Yeah, too late there.

Also, you see the guy following me? That’s just an oddity of the place -there’s no real significance to the NPC. Other than the fact that he can trap you if you’re not careful enough, it has no importance to the hack’s gameplay.

Yeah, I may or may not have gotten trapped by him right where that garbage can is. Also, I lied, everything from HERE on forward is blind.


Cucumber juice heals for around 6 HP. In other words, it’s completely useless. Dispose at will.


Pirkle here is the only one who’s not an NPC of sorts in the area. So, you know what that means…?

It’s time to go all America on his ass, yo.

Send in the drones.

Earthbound OST - Buzz Buzz’s Prophecy


The Remember Me? is pathetically easy. One or two slaps with the rapier will reduce it to a crying wreckage, courtesy of Jerry Toraernos, Ph. D in assholery. But that’s not why we’re here…


Jerry seems to prey on innocent enemies more often than not. Between the Halloween kids and the Desperate Survivors, I’m not sure if we’re the good guys anymore…

Also, interesting note: apparently the Remember Me? is supposed to represent Buzz Buzz and the prophecy, but I’m not so sure about that. It’s rather cathartic to imagine we’re smashing in Pirkle’s face with an incredibly pointy sword.

Does this freak of nature look like Buzz Buzz to you?





This is actually what we came for. Sky Nectar heals for around 60 HP, and the Remember Me?’s always have a 100% chance of dropping one. Since there’s no point in squandering money on the shop, we’ll be coming back here from time to time to stock up.


There’s a hamburger in the trash can, but it’s completely overshadowed at this point. Compared to the Pumpkin loaves and Sky Nectars, the stuff is kiddy food.

I would say it could be a Happy Meal burger, but my ass would probably get sued by McDonald’s so fast that-

….Whelp, damn.

We’re not attaining any profits from this venture. Therefore they can’t sue us.

I didn’t tell you about the merchandising deal?


Anyways, we want to exit north out of town. Our next destination is actually the hilltop next to Ness’s house.


The sign here is actually a hint as to what Corrupted Onett is a metaphor for. We’ll actually get to that in a few moments...but not yet.

Is it repressed memories of the Pit of 100 Trials from Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door?


: “I’ve missed you so much...I even cooked a fresh batch of
you
you
WHO ARE YOU
ARE YOU MY SON?”

Is that Tonya Harding.

Dunno. I just searched up ‘Crazy Woman’ on Google.

So it is. Splendid!

: “No…? Look lady, let go of me before I have to shank another Pirkle. I’m in no mood for any of this bullcrap. I just want to go home, get drunk, and start singing ‘Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows’ on the the Chaos Theatre stage.


Same dealie as the Hamburger -completely and utterly useless. Rinse and dispose.


: “I’m not quite sure what it’s used for. However, I have confidence that you’ll accomplish whatever it is you need it for.”
: “That sounded like a whole lot of technobabble and psychological crap to me...but hey, I’m not the doctor around here. I just want a good, hard, drink right now.”


And so we’ve arrived at the meteorite. I’m sure there won’t be a boss battle here. Since, you know, boss battles in an RPG? Ridiculosity.


Hells Bells. Jerry, when the screen goes dark, it’s not a good thing. Especially when you’re in a somewhat dramatic area with no music. That, right there, is just begging to get attacked.


: “...Did someone line the place up with glowsticks…?”
: “Some memory is forcing its way into your mind, ousting the subconscious realm of Onett. It’s something you’ve never known before.”

Sure.


: “Do you hear a buzzing that sounds like a girl flying around?”

So now the narrator is on MDMA. Trippy.

: “No…? Why would a girl be buzzing, much less flying around? Unless it’s the chick that believes in espers, aliens, and time travelers. Crazy broad wouldn’t stop poking me with a stick and showing me all these weird symbols…”


I believe that you can actually hear the buzzing, but at this point I switch over to my second track and completely ruin the moment.


Suddenly, the meteorite kamehameha’s into the great yonder sky. Too bad that the flying girl just got vaporized now and the-


...The hell?


: “L...lately, you’ve been acting kind of...disinterested in me...Is there something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? Honey… is there something you’re not telling me? Honey, please...You’re not hiding something from me, are you?”

“Mo-om, you’re embarrassing me!”


And so Jerry Toraernos will slay an innocent bystander for the good of mankind and puppies everywhere. In other words, this is…

JERRY TORAERNOS vs. NO (and its cohorts)

ROUND 1





That’s what I meant.

I….what the fuck.


Meet Halloween Hack Boss #1: NO. Other than the fact that it’s a blatant representation of Dr. Andonut’s homosexuality, there’s one other thing that’s special about the fight…


...Put aptly, you can run away from it. I’m not sure what that says about Jerry’s stance on homosexuality, but let’s not go there. It only brings up a lot of issues and internal conflicts that could otherwise be avoided.

You’re a wuss.

But, you know what? Screw that. We’re gonna murder the hell out of NO for the experience and money.


First order of business is to put them all to sleep with Sleepstun Omega. Since the NO trio is technically a ‘living’ enemy, they’re inherently weak to nap time.

Come to think of it, what does murdering Andonuts’ homosexuality have to do with attaining ‘courage’ anyway?

Probably something to do with hate crimes.


After that, it’s only a matter of waling on the sucker until it dies. Although the NO Trio is technically three enemies, defeating one vanquishes the other two.


This is JERRY TORAERNOS vs. NO (and its cohorts). Thank you and have a good night.


Level up!

Jerry | Offense: 1 | HP: 3 | PP: 2 | Learned Whiteshock Sigma | Learned Cleanse Gamma | Learned PSI Magnet Omega.

That bold was not me, for the record. It’s just Eris stealing my thunder.



Screen fades to white…



Earthbound OST - Eight Melodies


It looks like we’ve reached the end of Corrupted Onett. Welp, there’s nothing left for it. Let’s follow the trail to its conclusion…


: “Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.”


: “You know why, don’t you? Everyone can see it on your face. Your guilty face… your guilty...Your...you’re…

I’m sorry, was I talking to myself again? ...There wasn’t any zexonyte. I’ll...never lie again.

Jerry, you’re such a good person. Help me...I need courage…

I need...”

I’m pretty certain he’s referring to the death of his wife. Not so sure here.

Earthbound OST - The Power


: “...Listen! I am Courage.”
: “...Wait. So you’re a chick named ‘Courage’ or-”

Courage the Cowardly Dog, silly.

: “I’ve been called to help you fight the demons plaguing this old man’s mind. Your pilgrimage to the Sea of Eve draws ever closer...but! You are not ready yet.”

In other words, “finish the other two dungeons and we’ll talk.”

: “There are yet two more like me...seek them out! Do you understand?”
: “Yeah. Sure.”
: “...Jerry, you have done well this far… ...I wonder if… ...Dr. Andonuts...Are you just a self-conscious old fool…?”

Screen fades to white again...



Earthbound OST - Magicant


: "...?"
: <Turns around>
: “...Who are you…?”
: “I am Courage, the one you have summoned to do battle wi-”
: “-Yeah, I don’t care. More importantly…”


: “...You got any booze on you?”

And thus Jerry learns that the true evil is having a weak liver.